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When our family moved to Atwater in the 90's, we hosted a house warming party. I think we held a barbecue and picnic outside, because the furniture wasn't completely arranged yet. I remember being disinterested and resting in the bedroom for most of that day. The only time I went outside was to tell them I couldn't sleep, because I thought party was loud. Sure, maybe I exaggerated, but even at that young of an age, I was already isolating myself from social situations. I recall this memory when I feel most overwhelmed at family functions. 

Having grown up in a Filipino family, one of the most common activities is attending and hosting parties, for any reason at all. I didn't realize how uncomfortable it made me feel until much later down the road. For introverts, there's nothing more frustrating than being forced into spontaneous, social situations. With my family, it seems to happen all the time. My anxiety stems from feeling obligated to impress and entertain the relatives. I view these events as an excuse for elders to discuss and compare the younger generation's accomplishments. I mean - Why should they be proud of us today? The pressure to perform and succeed is very high.

As much as I appreciate being part of this family, I'm easily agitated at gatherings. In my young adult experience, I don't stay long enough to greet everyone, because I've got other events scheduled ahead of time. Everyone arrives on their own terms, where clearly, punctuality is not priority - Go figure. Mom tells me that it's okay if I can't be with them, but isn't that the whole point of having an event? I don't like calling attention to myself, so I've never been crazy about holding any parties outside of our small dinners. As an adult, it's rare for me to be present with everyone.

I'm thankful there are people and things in life worth celebrating, but I've become less interested in the ones revolving around the family, because it's challenging to stay on the same page with them. I can't sit with relatives and pretend to radiate Sunshine all the time. I find it difficult presenting happiness, while I'm grinding my teeth behind silent, pursed smiles. Why tell them any different? Instead of cornering myself in uncomfortable places, I've gotten in the habit of making appearances. I keep my presence small and slight, to remind them that I exist, but I realize I never learned how to be confident around them.

Now Presenting:
PM at Camp Iris.