Last week, I visited Tokyo for the second time ever; my first visit was during October 2015. Kai toured alone in 2016 and enjoyed it so much that he invited me to come back this year. Uncertain of what to do there, I aimed to enjoy it and make the most of my time. Prior to our trip, I asked friends for travel tips and locations of interest. I wanted to be more prepared, so I created an itinerary list as well as a personalized map for ease of navigation. This was the first time I'd organized some structure into a vacation, but the overall goal was to have fun.
Even though I’m aware of cultural differences, this was the first time in awhile that I relived some of those aspects. Not that I find their way of living strange; the experience is actually calming to some degree. Particularly how crowded Tokyo can be, but people keep to themselves for the most part. It may sound like an isolating experience, but I value that silence and solitude. Their reserved nature and modesty resonated with me. As we made our way back to the United States, the aggressiveness of others brought me back into our American reality. I didn’t realize how much I craved a kind of quiet until I got home.
The following day, not even 24 hours after my return, we carpooled as a family to Temecula, California. We attended our cousin Mark’s wedding at “Forever & Always Farm,” where we sat among “Friends, Family, Pirates, Ninjas,” and livestock. - Seriously, there were baby goats, alpacas and peacocks, to name a few. One of the roosters kept interrupting the master of ceremonies. Anyway- The ceremony was as wonderful and unique as the couple to be wed and I’m glad to have been part of it. They were even sweet enough to give me the bride’s bouquet, even though she threw too hard and none of us caught it ... (haha, Thanks Maggie.)
I’m thankful that I came home in time to be present, but I found myself feeling an all-too-familiar loneliness inside. My sister once said she thought that I had a personality as loud and as active as everyone in our family. Maybe when I was younger and didn’t control the volume of my voice, I was that child. I think about her statement from time to time and let me tell you: my remorse hasn’t faded. It tends to rise around the winter holidays, when we gather as friends and family to celebrate. It’s not that I don’t want to be around them, but I don’t interact with many people to begin with. It’s quite challenging with the family.
At the wedding reception, most of my cousins friends were drinking and lounging around. Maybe they were self-conscious to have any fun in front of everyone? The DJ played underground house music, my aunt, mother of the groom said, “this genre comes from their scene!” but they weren’t into it. Instead, my family brought life back to the dance floor. I can’t move as smooth as my brother, but he entertained us and everyone cheered him on. I joined them for some songs too, despite fatigue and soreness from traveling. All the while, I thought about all the other events that were going on that same Saturday night.
Some friends and acquaintances held their own Halloween weekend events too. I admit, I felt FOMO that evening; Fear of Missing out. There was no way I’d be able to attend anything after the reception and the extensive drive home. Mom detoured on our way back, but played disco tunes to keep us alert. During that long stretch back, I imagined what I’d be doing at other events. I came to the conclusion that I might feel the same - self conscious and heavily introverted. The main difference that I could see, I wouldn’t be obligated to interact. Where I am currently in life, I desire a quiet and intimate space; it may be a lonely one at that.
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