Have you ever thought about how much your brain works to help you function? The mind is so powerful that it processes physical sensations, allowing us to feel things like temperature, texture, intensity, just to name a few items. On an even deeper level, the mind can process complex things such as emotions, expressions or thoughts. These are the things that keep some of us up at night: they are our fears, anxieties, hopes and dreams. Depending on our experiences, we tend to associate sensations with either pain or pleasure. Sometimes, we feel something in between and can't quite determine what side of the spectrum to lean on. Though there’s no denying that everyone wants to feel good, so naturally we seek the things that make us happy.
Similarly, the mind is responsible for the lack of sensation. An inability to feel, numbness, can be so easily ignored, because you don’t even know that it’s happening. It’s scary. I’ve started wondering if being numb is some strange trick that our minds play on ourselves. Maybe the mind “protects” us from things that we are yet to comprehend? I don’t know why the mind does this, but I’ve been told before that I’m good at blocking my emotions. Some might call this a defense mechanism, but I’m currently at a point where I’m forced to see and feel much more beyond that. It took me all of these years to pay attention to myself - not to sound self-righteous, but my mind protected me from such intense feelings for so long, I didn’t realize how severe the pain would be.
At the dawn of the new year, I was overwhelmed with emotions and distanced myself from some very important people. There were times when I contemplated running away with my thoughts, following the roaring emotions inside. It got to the point where I wasn't afraid of losing anything anymore, because I knew I'd already lost myself. But they refused to give up and convinced me to rest and reconsider my decisions. I don’t know if I’m willing to continue what exists, as some people have to mature for themselves first. I can see that they've started growing and it's good to see progress, but it's important that I'm able to heal myself as well. I stand firm with my convictions: Through this experience, I've learned that we all need to separate from one another to truly see ourselves. Though, I doubt we'll ever be the same.
During this time of self-discovery and acceptance, I've started experiencing sensations unlike any I've ever felt before. Sometimes people talk about experiencing a "pit" or a "dip" in their chest; I hate to admit it, but the pain is very real and agonizing, even. There are moments when I feel a debilitating emptiness inside, like an impact crater formed just beneath the skin. I want to say the ignorance toward my thoughts and emotions revealed a dark, hollow space inside. So I'm learning to recognize my aches and fill my heart's content, starting with myself - it may sound selfish to a degree, but know the difference between Selfishness and Self-Love. Understand that Caring for yourself is one of the most challenging tasks when you’ve lived Selflessly for so long.
As I have approached friends in my wake, some support me while others remain silent. People say that hugging is the most basic method of coping and the oxytocin we produce creates even stronger bonds between us. It sounds silly, but my heart aches significantly decrease when I hold someone in my arms; the warmth I receive alleviates the pain of that pit. However, my fear stems from hurting others through healing; I fear I may transfer negative energy when embracing them. Even still, I proceed with Caution. I realize that this form of healing requires me to place more value in myself than what I reserve for others. I know I've got a long way to go before I'm healed of a hollow heart, but understanding the cause is a start.
- - - - -
Related Content:
https://puremystery.livejournal.com/102495.html - Chaos Dimension (livejournal, 2011)
https://puremystery.livejournal.com/156548.html - Poetry - An Addiction (livejournal, 2016)
https://twitter.com/puremystery/status/950902590614614016 - emotional energy transfer.
Similarly, the mind is responsible for the lack of sensation. An inability to feel, numbness, can be so easily ignored, because you don’t even know that it’s happening. It’s scary. I’ve started wondering if being numb is some strange trick that our minds play on ourselves. Maybe the mind “protects” us from things that we are yet to comprehend? I don’t know why the mind does this, but I’ve been told before that I’m good at blocking my emotions. Some might call this a defense mechanism, but I’m currently at a point where I’m forced to see and feel much more beyond that. It took me all of these years to pay attention to myself - not to sound self-righteous, but my mind protected me from such intense feelings for so long, I didn’t realize how severe the pain would be.
At the dawn of the new year, I was overwhelmed with emotions and distanced myself from some very important people. There were times when I contemplated running away with my thoughts, following the roaring emotions inside. It got to the point where I wasn't afraid of losing anything anymore, because I knew I'd already lost myself. But they refused to give up and convinced me to rest and reconsider my decisions. I don’t know if I’m willing to continue what exists, as some people have to mature for themselves first. I can see that they've started growing and it's good to see progress, but it's important that I'm able to heal myself as well. I stand firm with my convictions: Through this experience, I've learned that we all need to separate from one another to truly see ourselves. Though, I doubt we'll ever be the same.
During this time of self-discovery and acceptance, I've started experiencing sensations unlike any I've ever felt before. Sometimes people talk about experiencing a "pit" or a "dip" in their chest; I hate to admit it, but the pain is very real and agonizing, even. There are moments when I feel a debilitating emptiness inside, like an impact crater formed just beneath the skin. I want to say the ignorance toward my thoughts and emotions revealed a dark, hollow space inside. So I'm learning to recognize my aches and fill my heart's content, starting with myself - it may sound selfish to a degree, but know the difference between Selfishness and Self-Love. Understand that Caring for yourself is one of the most challenging tasks when you’ve lived Selflessly for so long.
As I have approached friends in my wake, some support me while others remain silent. People say that hugging is the most basic method of coping and the oxytocin we produce creates even stronger bonds between us. It sounds silly, but my heart aches significantly decrease when I hold someone in my arms; the warmth I receive alleviates the pain of that pit. However, my fear stems from hurting others through healing; I fear I may transfer negative energy when embracing them. Even still, I proceed with Caution. I realize that this form of healing requires me to place more value in myself than what I reserve for others. I know I've got a long way to go before I'm healed of a hollow heart, but understanding the cause is a start.
- - - - -
Related Content:
https://puremystery.livejournal.com/102495.html - Chaos Dimension (livejournal, 2011)
https://puremystery.livejournal.com/156548.html - Poetry - An Addiction (livejournal, 2016)
https://twitter.com/puremystery/status/950902590614614016 - emotional energy transfer.
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