I’ve questioned my trouble with female friends for quite some time now, so I’m at a point where I‘m looking at what has and hasn’t worked. During my childhood/adolescence, I identified as a tomboy and was severely criticized for it. This led me to believe that I’d have problems being accepted by others, because I was a different kind of girl. At one point, I thought myself like an unlucky man trapped within a woman’s body - it made me think that it was impossible to keep any females close. Absurdity aside, it dawned on me that maybe my failed relationships stem from deeper truths. Not in terms of romance, but understanding the connections that we share.
Over time, I’ve learned things about other women that I didn’t agree with - those details gave me enough reason to push them away. There have been instances where I summed the courage to apologize for my mistakes and be honest about myself in hopes to gain resolve. I am nowhere near a perfect human and have many flaws of my own. If it gives you any idea why I dislike having the spotlight, there are still moments when I feel my presence is not accepted. Even as I have tried explaining or rationalizing in the past, the responses that I received resulted in outright rejection or getting nothing at all. Maybe this is why I can’t let anyone else near.
Through these experiences, I’m reminded of my childhood - growing up with stubborn brothers, for one. I felt that our older sister was not present for me as she needed to be for her daughter; she grew up a teen mom and had to juggle priorities before she could spend anytime nurturing or setting examples for us. Similarly, I view our Mother as an authoritative figure and not so much my friend. She is maternal as she provides warm meals and monitors us when we grow sick. Though, I don't recall many instances where we truly bonded. With all of that in mind, I’ve rarely kept close relationships with females in my immediate family. It pains me to think about this in my adult life, as I’m yet to evolve from it.
My relationships with females are as casual as the bonds I share with my coworkers- limited to the office space that we share. I’m barely tolerant of that. In my adult life, I find myself keeping most women at bay, because I don’t see myself forging many deep, heartfelt relationships. Part of me desires friendship, maybe even someone I can look for as a mentor - Perhaps I’m at an age where I don’t need one anymore? I don’t keep women around long enough to find out if it’s even possible. Just when I feel our bonds are growing stronger, some aspect of that security is compromised and trust is broken - all that effort just to be brought back to square one. What can I say? ‘Girls just wanna have Fun.
- - - - -
I thought I could come up with a better title, but I can't - "I would like assistance." A Sister's Stance.
Related Content:
Friendships / Relationships
https://puremystery.livejournal.com/89990.html - "Loves Me Not" (2009) https://puremystery.livejournal.com/101972.html - "ANTI-HERO" (2010) https://puremystery.livejournal.com/109210.html - "Can't Touch This" (2011)
Family & Self Reflection
https://puremystery.livejournal.com/92747.html - "Androgynous, Anonymous" (2009) https://puremystery.livejournal.com/118570.html - "With Rainy Eyes" (2012) https://puremystery.livejournal.com/121935.html - "Asian Tomboy" (2012)
Over time, I’ve learned things about other women that I didn’t agree with - those details gave me enough reason to push them away. There have been instances where I summed the courage to apologize for my mistakes and be honest about myself in hopes to gain resolve. I am nowhere near a perfect human and have many flaws of my own. If it gives you any idea why I dislike having the spotlight, there are still moments when I feel my presence is not accepted. Even as I have tried explaining or rationalizing in the past, the responses that I received resulted in outright rejection or getting nothing at all. Maybe this is why I can’t let anyone else near.
Through these experiences, I’m reminded of my childhood - growing up with stubborn brothers, for one. I felt that our older sister was not present for me as she needed to be for her daughter; she grew up a teen mom and had to juggle priorities before she could spend anytime nurturing or setting examples for us. Similarly, I view our Mother as an authoritative figure and not so much my friend. She is maternal as she provides warm meals and monitors us when we grow sick. Though, I don't recall many instances where we truly bonded. With all of that in mind, I’ve rarely kept close relationships with females in my immediate family. It pains me to think about this in my adult life, as I’m yet to evolve from it.
My relationships with females are as casual as the bonds I share with my coworkers- limited to the office space that we share. I’m barely tolerant of that. In my adult life, I find myself keeping most women at bay, because I don’t see myself forging many deep, heartfelt relationships. Part of me desires friendship, maybe even someone I can look for as a mentor - Perhaps I’m at an age where I don’t need one anymore? I don’t keep women around long enough to find out if it’s even possible. Just when I feel our bonds are growing stronger, some aspect of that security is compromised and trust is broken - all that effort just to be brought back to square one. What can I say? ‘Girls just wanna have Fun.
- - - - -
I thought I could come up with a better title, but I can't - "I would like assistance." A Sister's Stance.
Related Content:
Friendships / Relationships
https://puremystery.livejournal.com/89990.html - "Loves Me Not" (2009) https://puremystery.livejournal.com/101972.html - "ANTI-HERO" (2010) https://puremystery.livejournal.com/109210.html - "Can't Touch This" (2011)
Family & Self Reflection
https://puremystery.livejournal.com/92747.html - "Androgynous, Anonymous" (2009) https://puremystery.livejournal.com/118570.html - "With Rainy Eyes" (2012) https://puremystery.livejournal.com/121935.html - "Asian Tomboy" (2012)
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