As November comes to an end, I want to reiterate for those that may or may not know: this month is never easy for me. Around Thanksgiving like clockwork, I retreat into the dark corner of my bedroom. During this hibernation, I lose motivation to socialize with my family. In the past, I disconnected from them, only to fall into deep depression. I can't pinpoint when this started, but I'd say after my Grandma and dog had passed away, I haven't been able to bring myself forward confidently. Since I've had some time to reflect on this: I'm not comfortable being present with those who have wronged me.
This year in particular, I lack respect and acknowledgement of the people I currently live with. This is incredibly heart breaking; I don't know that anyone understands or cares to know how I feel. I barely refer to them my brothers (or sister in-law). I repress myself instinctively, because I've been led to believe that I am not an important part of this family. The only person who willingly engaged me this Holiday was our sister. She said, "Welcome Home," when I returned from work. I almost cried in our embrace, because I don't know that anyone else under this roof greets me with sincerity.
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Before I turned 30 this year, I asked the stylist to shave around my head so I could see and feel my scalp. It was the first time I’d ever done that and one of the most liberating experiences I’ve ever had. Shaving the bulk of my hair took all the weight off my head and shoulders. When it started growing back, I saw all of the white strands hidden under my mane. I had always found a few grays here and there, but this time it was mix of salt and pepper. Mom always said the white that we find in our hair is just like our Dad in his 20’s. So I’ve been wondering, is this pattern hereditary after all?
Since joining Club-30, I’ve started assessing my siblings lifestyles and habits, as well as my own. I understand that Everyone is going through challenges unique to them, but how we overcome our obstacles is what defines us from one another. I know my siblings don’t share the same thoughts as I do, so I excuse them from having any say or involvement on mine. I never felt confident reaching out to them, because they wouldn’t help, or I felt that their voices would overpower me. I don’t know where everyone is emotionally, but this gray area seems to be where our minds and bodies meet.
This year in particular, I lack respect and acknowledgement of the people I currently live with. This is incredibly heart breaking; I don't know that anyone understands or cares to know how I feel. I barely refer to them my brothers (or sister in-law). I repress myself instinctively, because I've been led to believe that I am not an important part of this family. The only person who willingly engaged me this Holiday was our sister. She said, "Welcome Home," when I returned from work. I almost cried in our embrace, because I don't know that anyone else under this roof greets me with sincerity.
- - - - -
Before I turned 30 this year, I asked the stylist to shave around my head so I could see and feel my scalp. It was the first time I’d ever done that and one of the most liberating experiences I’ve ever had. Shaving the bulk of my hair took all the weight off my head and shoulders. When it started growing back, I saw all of the white strands hidden under my mane. I had always found a few grays here and there, but this time it was mix of salt and pepper. Mom always said the white that we find in our hair is just like our Dad in his 20’s. So I’ve been wondering, is this pattern hereditary after all?
Since joining Club-30, I’ve started assessing my siblings lifestyles and habits, as well as my own. I understand that Everyone is going through challenges unique to them, but how we overcome our obstacles is what defines us from one another. I know my siblings don’t share the same thoughts as I do, so I excuse them from having any say or involvement on mine. I never felt confident reaching out to them, because they wouldn’t help, or I felt that their voices would overpower me. I don’t know where everyone is emotionally, but this gray area seems to be where our minds and bodies meet.
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