The following entry contains content regarding Toxic Behaviors and Unhealthy Relationships - Viewer Discretion is Advised.
I was always told that I had issues "Letting Go" - When I look back at all that happened, I'm sure that feeling was mutual. I could never just walk away and that would be the end of things; I always felt there was some need to have the last word. When I took the time to defend my beliefs, it was never enough. I saw the signs and confronted them, only to be denied and dismissed every time, by those who needed it most. For years, I deceived myself into believing that certain actions and behaviors were acceptable. I blinded myself several times before I ever started trusting myself. This went on for half of my Life; Years that I can never reclaim. I was a young, naive girl who accepted all things.
Initially, I met them eye-to-eye: invested in common interests and gathering often, inseparable from that presence. I saw myself clinging on as I had been showered with so many gifts and so much attention. Given opportunities to travel, expand social connections and enjoy events as they were set before me. It was Easy taking a Free-Ticket, but what kind of relationship does that build over time? I was an eager teenager who hadn't been exposed to much of anything. Like a fresh slab of clay that could be sculpted to ones desire; imagine what someone could create with that kind of potential. What most saw on the surface was an uncanny charm and charismatic exchange. I was reserved about personal affairs and kept much of it to myself. For a long time, it was challenging to define what existed.
In an evolving digital-era, communicating often made me so vulnerable: easily accessible, whenever and wherever I went. I functioned on routine and was Loyal to a fault; I coordinated my schedule and dedicated so much of my time into making this work. My days became so predictable, I had little sense of leisure and personal freedom. I always had difficulties enjoying my own time, anticipating a phone call, message or meeting. I found it challenging to make myself present with everyone outside of this. Always feeling judged or outcast for these decisions, even when my family welcomed it. My parents argued that the obsessive nature affected my growth as a person. At the time, I couldn't see it, but looking back now, I should have listened. Despite our disputes, I continued my pursuits, in hope that life would change if I just kept working at it.
I was foolish to believe things could be different if I compromised and made changes. I was easily persuaded and under strong influences. Relationships among my family and friends had become severely damaged. I tried looking for solace in other people and places, only to find myself alone each time. My sense of self worth vanished as I gave so much emotional currency and Time away. It frightened me to exercise my voice as I was confused in the midst of everything; veiled by an illusion of Security, while being dominated behind the scenes. My self-esteem deteriorated as I became a puppet to one of the greatest shows no one ever suspected. I turned the other cheek and looked past these episodes for so long, I lost touch with the person I wanted to become.
Having recognized my health and safety at risk, I needed to exit carefully. I processed the information to the best of my abilities and made a plan of action. I was not willing to compromise myself beyond what had already happened. Everything I had done thereafter was an act of Self-Love and Personal Protection: I created strong boundaries to establish myself. I spoke from the Truth and gained Allies to support me. Every time I thought I was ready to end this, something in the process caused postponement. Each delay only convinced me to invest more time for Myself. I made up my mind and was not going to subject myself to anymore suffering. Through this process, I learned I am capable of doing so much for my well-being ~ and here I am, still going.
This whole experience helped me see that I am deserving of much greater things. These events allowed me to understand my time and presence are so valuable. For the first time I can recall, I am finally Choosing Myself; I have started learning that the Choice has always has been Mine. Now, I am owning the privilege to do everything that is Right for Me and I realize that my Life is worth Infinitely more than I've ever allowed myself to believe. I am learning to recognize the past for what it is and am actively rebuilding myself in Therapy. It has taken an incredible amount of Courage to reach out for Assistance and even more Strength to continue on an everyday basis. It's challenging addressing these issues while Healing, but I'm doing everything to pursue my best interests.
I was always told that I had issues "Letting Go" - When I look back at all that happened, I'm sure that feeling was mutual. I could never just walk away and that would be the end of things; I always felt there was some need to have the last word. When I took the time to defend my beliefs, it was never enough. I saw the signs and confronted them, only to be denied and dismissed every time, by those who needed it most. For years, I deceived myself into believing that certain actions and behaviors were acceptable. I blinded myself several times before I ever started trusting myself. This went on for half of my Life; Years that I can never reclaim. I was a young, naive girl who accepted all things.
Initially, I met them eye-to-eye: invested in common interests and gathering often, inseparable from that presence. I saw myself clinging on as I had been showered with so many gifts and so much attention. Given opportunities to travel, expand social connections and enjoy events as they were set before me. It was Easy taking a Free-Ticket, but what kind of relationship does that build over time? I was an eager teenager who hadn't been exposed to much of anything. Like a fresh slab of clay that could be sculpted to ones desire; imagine what someone could create with that kind of potential. What most saw on the surface was an uncanny charm and charismatic exchange. I was reserved about personal affairs and kept much of it to myself. For a long time, it was challenging to define what existed.
In an evolving digital-era, communicating often made me so vulnerable: easily accessible, whenever and wherever I went. I functioned on routine and was Loyal to a fault; I coordinated my schedule and dedicated so much of my time into making this work. My days became so predictable, I had little sense of leisure and personal freedom. I always had difficulties enjoying my own time, anticipating a phone call, message or meeting. I found it challenging to make myself present with everyone outside of this. Always feeling judged or outcast for these decisions, even when my family welcomed it. My parents argued that the obsessive nature affected my growth as a person. At the time, I couldn't see it, but looking back now, I should have listened. Despite our disputes, I continued my pursuits, in hope that life would change if I just kept working at it.
I was foolish to believe things could be different if I compromised and made changes. I was easily persuaded and under strong influences. Relationships among my family and friends had become severely damaged. I tried looking for solace in other people and places, only to find myself alone each time. My sense of self worth vanished as I gave so much emotional currency and Time away. It frightened me to exercise my voice as I was confused in the midst of everything; veiled by an illusion of Security, while being dominated behind the scenes. My self-esteem deteriorated as I became a puppet to one of the greatest shows no one ever suspected. I turned the other cheek and looked past these episodes for so long, I lost touch with the person I wanted to become.
I didn't know if Happiness existed, because I couldn't pursue myself autonomously. Anytime I tried doing something on my own resulted in disapproval or belittlement, as those choices were exclusive to me. Whenever I challenged this, I would oblige out of fear and intimidation. The more I tolerated, the harder it became to depart. I could not accept this and needed to leave, before anymore complications could start. Moving firmly in my beliefs led to an extremely traumatic experience. Surviving was as if waking from a very Deep Sleep as I felt hurt in more places than one: engaging the physical, mental and emotional all at once. Recognizing the pain translated into an uncomfortable sensation. My heart was wrapped in thorns and set ablaze - the aching "pit" in my chest had risen. This became the "Wake Up Call" that forced me to face Reality.
Having recognized my health and safety at risk, I needed to exit carefully. I processed the information to the best of my abilities and made a plan of action. I was not willing to compromise myself beyond what had already happened. Everything I had done thereafter was an act of Self-Love and Personal Protection: I created strong boundaries to establish myself. I spoke from the Truth and gained Allies to support me. Every time I thought I was ready to end this, something in the process caused postponement. Each delay only convinced me to invest more time for Myself. I made up my mind and was not going to subject myself to anymore suffering. Through this process, I learned I am capable of doing so much for my well-being ~ and here I am, still going.
This whole experience helped me see that I am deserving of much greater things. These events allowed me to understand my time and presence are so valuable. For the first time I can recall, I am finally Choosing Myself; I have started learning that the Choice has always has been Mine. Now, I am owning the privilege to do everything that is Right for Me and I realize that my Life is worth Infinitely more than I've ever allowed myself to believe. I am learning to recognize the past for what it is and am actively rebuilding myself in Therapy. It has taken an incredible amount of Courage to reach out for Assistance and even more Strength to continue on an everyday basis. It's challenging addressing these issues while Healing, but I'm doing everything to pursue my best interests.
This has given me the time and space to see My Value and all that I am manifesting. I want to be comfortable talking about what has happened, because No One should Ever have to go through what I did. "The Truth will set You Free, but first it will piss you off." I’m writing this to say Life becomes easier once you start accepting the Truth for Yourself. I don't know who needs to read this or who intends to, but I hope that the entry serves a purpose and opens doors for understanding. For those of you learning about this for the very first time: I've been waiting for the moment when I can share this chapter with full confidence and carry on with the rest of my Life. One of my biggest goals is to be Honest and set Myself Free - So if you sat through this entire post, Thank You for Reading.
This is not The End. This is a New Beginning.
For if Learned, Dwell : Farewell, Old Friend.