Lonely Tear Drop

One of my favorite films of the past decade is Disney-Pixar's "Inside Out.” It explores emotions as different characters playing specific roles in the human experience. This film focuses on Riley, a young girl who sorts through internal conflict as she and her family move away from their hometown into another state. The emotions struggle to make safe, memorable experiences for Riley and work together to navigate her challenges. When the movie premiered, I was gravitated to the character Sadness, because she looks like a tiny version of me. Designed with big glasses, a round face and an asymmetrical hairstyle to match. The other emotions are thoughtfully crafted as well and I love how they illustrate neurosciences, but I always thought Sadness was the cutest character. 

While emotions are literally fleshed out for the narrative of this film, I could relate to Sadness experience the most. The other characters treated Sadness as an irrelevant pushover; no one understood her true value or purpose and often swept her to the side. As it turns out, Sadness was needed in order for Riley process the grief that came with leaving their old life behind. For one of our previous Holiday seasons, my family gathered and we watched this movie. It wasn't long until my relatives started cracking jokes about how much Sadness looked like me. I started wondering if this is how everyone views me? I usually responded to it with dry laughter, but most of the time I felt embarrassed whenever they pointed it out -- Thanks, I get it. 

The other week, I had a conversation with my inner Sadness and felt the emotion on an intimate level. When my Mind’s eye showed me Sadness initially, it appeared as a lonely tear drop sitting at the bottom of an empty, hollow heart. A single speck fell from the heavens, landed on my chest and dyed my soul deep blue. I wanted to cry so badly, but the tears did not show up. My heart ached and the sensation flowed over my whole body. The hollow space had been filled and I felt myself bleed from the inside. “My cup runneth over,” as it were. The tear drop transformed into a little girl, looking much like the version of Sadness from the film. I welcomed her with open arms, so we may be together again.

When Sadness took the childlike form, she clutched onto my Heart; my instinct was to hold her closely and guard her. I've started thinking that an overly protective part of me may have been shielding Sadness from surfacing this whole time. Having obsessive, possessive influences caused me great difficulty, as I’ve tried to express this emotion in the past. As if my true experience is too precious to be openly shared and that’s why I hid Sadness for so long. I‘ve started acknowledging emotions, following an Embrace & Release. I know it may be hard to understand this experience, but this is exactly how I'm learning to see the different parts of myself and how it works. 

This is the first time in a long time I felt something so deeply, it made my heart ache and resonated in my entire body. Imagine an anchor that weighs you down as you sink into your seat. It has been hard shifting away from the stoic, emotionless version of myself. There are times I wish I could shed tears and show Sadness on the outside, so I'm learning how to better express this. Taking time to visualize my emotions and reflect on their function helps me understand them with purpose. In my experience, this isn't always something you see with your eyes, but it flows from the heart. I’m actually pleased to sit with Sadness, as if I’ve reunited with an old friend. I can now grow freely without fear or shame.

“Thank You for making yourself present Today. Know that you are safe with Me.”

https://www.instagram.com/p/B6E9b7RA3Ca/ - Paris & Sadness.