The winter Holidays have been challenging for me as long as I can remember. I can’t recall many winter breaks during adolescence where I was truly happy to be around others. If I could be completely honest about myself, I was hardly a fan of the family gatherings and did everything I could to escape them back then. I wasn’t comfortable around large groups of people to begin with and having everyone under the same roof always gave me great anxiety. There was ultimately nowhere to go and I often felt obligated to participate in them, just so my relatives knew that I was alive.
My father shared images of previous holiday celebrations and I realized that I wasn’t in some of those family photos. Had I been M.I.A. this whole time? This was a bit of an upsetting revelation, because I have no way of reinserting myself into the past. This is time that has since gone and I have no personal record of being part of it. Initially, this made my heart ache, but I realized I had also been running from the very thing that’s been with me this whole time. It’s true what they say: you can run as long as you want, but you can’t hide forever. There are certain things that will never leave as long as you are attached to it.
With the global pandemic still in effect, the Holidays were a little different. As my immediate family has stayed in the same household - we gathered to unwrap gifts in the living room and spent most of the day eating. It felt different, because it was just my parents, siblings and myself for the most part. I still find it difficult to be around my family, because in this house, someone is always around. The experience can be exhausting for me, especially when it becomes loud; I can't function comfortably when there are moments where it feels like chaos. This time around, I did what I could to make myself present, even if for a little bit.
While I still have tendency to grow restless at family gatherings, I took time to be grateful for what I do have: Thankful to be home, sharing warm meals and continue living safely on this wild 2020 timeline. Part of me believes most of us have been operating under this constant survival-mode, becoming hyper-vigilant of our surroundings. It shouldn’t take the holidays or some national observance to appreciate any of these things, but stepping away from every other occupancy in life allowed me to digest some of it. While I continue making myself present, I feel I’m able to engage my family more easily over time. I hope in the future, I’ll be around to make more memories with everyone else.
- - - - -
“Tradition is peer pressure from dead people.”
Holiday Traditions : Aid Holy Traditions : Additional History :
Idiot Holiday Rants : Hail Distortion Day : Third Day Isolation
My father shared images of previous holiday celebrations and I realized that I wasn’t in some of those family photos. Had I been M.I.A. this whole time? This was a bit of an upsetting revelation, because I have no way of reinserting myself into the past. This is time that has since gone and I have no personal record of being part of it. Initially, this made my heart ache, but I realized I had also been running from the very thing that’s been with me this whole time. It’s true what they say: you can run as long as you want, but you can’t hide forever. There are certain things that will never leave as long as you are attached to it.
With the global pandemic still in effect, the Holidays were a little different. As my immediate family has stayed in the same household - we gathered to unwrap gifts in the living room and spent most of the day eating. It felt different, because it was just my parents, siblings and myself for the most part. I still find it difficult to be around my family, because in this house, someone is always around. The experience can be exhausting for me, especially when it becomes loud; I can't function comfortably when there are moments where it feels like chaos. This time around, I did what I could to make myself present, even if for a little bit.
While I still have tendency to grow restless at family gatherings, I took time to be grateful for what I do have: Thankful to be home, sharing warm meals and continue living safely on this wild 2020 timeline. Part of me believes most of us have been operating under this constant survival-mode, becoming hyper-vigilant of our surroundings. It shouldn’t take the holidays or some national observance to appreciate any of these things, but stepping away from every other occupancy in life allowed me to digest some of it. While I continue making myself present, I feel I’m able to engage my family more easily over time. I hope in the future, I’ll be around to make more memories with everyone else.
- - - - -
“Tradition is peer pressure from dead people.”
Holiday Traditions : Aid Holy Traditions : Additional History :
Idiot Holiday Rants : Hail Distortion Day : Third Day Isolation
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