When I was a little girl, I was often referred to as one of the biggest kids among my cousins. Imagine being compared to others constantly, how this molds a child's psyche. Some of the seasons when my height increased, I experienced so much pain that there were moments where it became difficult to get out of bed. It felt so intense that I'd cry and massage my shins; I was told my bones were growing faster than everything else. My legs were so sore that I refused to leave the house altogether.
One of my greatest insecurities had been rooted in distorted perceptions of self, relating to my physical development. I always thought there was too much of Me and I needed to come up with ways to contain all of it. This usually resulted in wearing baggy relaxed clothes to hide my figure, or even slouching so I didn't call attention to my broad shoulders and height. I viewed myself much like the “50-foot Woman” and became highly sensitive about how I carry myself around.
From my teens well through my twenties, I struggled with self-acceptance and had trouble looking at my reflection or even seeing myself in photos. On top of everything else, I was extremely self-conscious when I had braces and acne during high school. I paid attention to all of these minor flaws and imperfections, so this made it especially difficult to appreciate myself as an entire human being. I realize I may have been overly critical, as I didn't feel any of these attributes made me likable.
As an adult I'm able to revisit these concepts more objectively; I sense I have a greater grasp of reality. I have never viewed myself as the perfect person, but I do conduct my life in ways that I hope others respect and are inspired to lead themselves. I don't know if my existence actually influences people, I have no intention to transform them with my own revelations. What I know for certain: the person who defines my Worth is Me and this is one of the most satisfying feelings.
There are still moments when I struggle with my image, before viewing myself as a whole person. It's true though: my motives have been heavily influenced by beauty standards, but there has always been a desire to simply be accepted. I'm learning to love each aspect and work on improving the things that I don't like. I'm beginning to see how I compose myself never requires anyone's approval but my own. If this year has taught me anything, I've learned to value and validate myself in all things.
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In Paths Grow : A Strong Whip : Who's Parting : Growth Pains
One of my greatest insecurities had been rooted in distorted perceptions of self, relating to my physical development. I always thought there was too much of Me and I needed to come up with ways to contain all of it. This usually resulted in wearing baggy relaxed clothes to hide my figure, or even slouching so I didn't call attention to my broad shoulders and height. I viewed myself much like the “50-foot Woman” and became highly sensitive about how I carry myself around.
From my teens well through my twenties, I struggled with self-acceptance and had trouble looking at my reflection or even seeing myself in photos. On top of everything else, I was extremely self-conscious when I had braces and acne during high school. I paid attention to all of these minor flaws and imperfections, so this made it especially difficult to appreciate myself as an entire human being. I realize I may have been overly critical, as I didn't feel any of these attributes made me likable.
As an adult I'm able to revisit these concepts more objectively; I sense I have a greater grasp of reality. I have never viewed myself as the perfect person, but I do conduct my life in ways that I hope others respect and are inspired to lead themselves. I don't know if my existence actually influences people, I have no intention to transform them with my own revelations. What I know for certain: the person who defines my Worth is Me and this is one of the most satisfying feelings.
There are still moments when I struggle with my image, before viewing myself as a whole person. It's true though: my motives have been heavily influenced by beauty standards, but there has always been a desire to simply be accepted. I'm learning to love each aspect and work on improving the things that I don't like. I'm beginning to see how I compose myself never requires anyone's approval but my own. If this year has taught me anything, I've learned to value and validate myself in all things.
- - - - -
In Paths Grow : A Strong Whip : Who's Parting : Growth Pains
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