When I was a little girl in elementary school, there was a point in time where I missed class and purposely stayed home nearly every day. I barricaded myself so I could vege' out and do nothing. I spent a lot of that time isolated, watching daytime TV, refusing to come out for anyone. Dad often spoke through the door and told me that I needed to go to school, but I made every excuse to not attend and I did this for several days at a time. I can’t tell you why I did it, or if I can recall what was going on in my child-mind, but I remember hiding under the covers feeling fear and shame whenever Dad came knocking. Some part of me knew that I couldn't continue doing this; I don't remember when it happened, but I eventually came out of hiding and returned.
One school year, I remember class was dismissed for spring break and being the naïve child that I was, I left my cares behind and stopped thinking about school altogether. My mind switched to vacation-mode the moment the bell rang. The only thing that mattered was watching movies all day and eating fast food. When everyone came back to school, the teacher told us to submit our homework from the break to be graded. I was so absent-minded, I didn’t even know we were given work to do. For the rest of that season, I spent the remainder of my recess breaks in the school office, completing assignments alone. I got so used to taking a seat inside that it became the norm for me. It was a comfort and curse at the same time: being isolated in a quiet room, but having all work and no play.
I don't know if I've ever told anyone these stories from my childhood, but I don't know that anybody would see it coming, either. I can’t say that I’ve completely forgiven my child-self for making careless decisions and foolish mistakes like that, but I remember that it happened. Every once in awhile, I'll recall one of the office staff who encouraged me to keep studying, so I wouldn't spend so much time working during my break. Now as an adult, I'm part of the population that always has to do something productive, or fill every waking hour of the day with something. I find it challenging honoring my own periods of rest and there are moments when I don't feel comfortable taking breaks, or I don't know how to spend that time. I feel some sense of guilt when I'm inactive.
It surprises me when people assume that I'm one of those stereotypical, over-achieving Asian people. I have difficulty seeing myself in that position or even believing it as the reality. I don't think I've ever identified as such, because I'd view my peers and see that their efforts exceed far beyond what ever I've accomplished in this world. Sometimes it feels like I'm back in elementary school, still working on that text book math so I can catch up with what ever everyone else is doing. The quote says, "Comparison is the Thief of Joy," and I've always seen myself as an average person, performing just at par. I suppose this reflects the standards I've set for myself, but I'm working on acknowledging my strengths; accepting the progress I've made and continue growing in this Lifetime.
Into Desolate Index : Do Notes and Exile It : Extended Isolation
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