Heart Amiss Location

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When I was a little girl growing up, I used to have destructive tantrums. I would get incredibly loud, sometimes physically violent around my family and lash out. I used to slam my bedroom door repeatedly and scream whenever something didn't go my way. Being the youngest of my siblings, I think these actions were excused and swept under the rug. I realize my family's compliance likely enabled my irrational behavior, as if it were totally okay to continue. 

One year when some of our relatives visited from the Philippines, one of my uncles talked to me about it. He pulled me outside to the front steps of the house and sat down with me. He said I needed to do better, because my family deserves better. Deep down inside, 8-year old me knew that he was right. After that moment, my chaotic-self subsided and I started behaving more rationally.

In my adolescence, I thought there might be something wrong with the way that I responded to things. Around this time, I found it especially difficult speaking up for myself or letting out a big cry. I didn’t know how to voice the parts of me that experienced any pain, whether it be physical, emotional or psychological. I always feared that doing so would hurt the people around me. 

During my early teen years, I started blogging regularly, publishing entries nearly every week. Writing became one of my greatest outlets, because I could organize my thoughts and make expressions that anyone could read. These moments have been frustrating though, because I'm not confident in showing others how I truly feel. It became easier for me to reference my entries when they contain everything I've written and recorded. 

As an adult, I know that I have difficulty showing emotions publicly, such as Anger or Sadness. I feel like I experience some type of delay; I have to process an event for a few hours, or even days before I have any response to it. I sense that I've been silent in this manner for quite some time. At this point in life, I try not to move aggressively in the heat of the moment, because I know there’s always more going on outside of me. 

Sometimes I think I'm more mindful of the external world than I am of myself, so much that the difficult emotions brewing inside would pass without me getting to fully experience them. I often feel detached in these experiences and it makes me think an important part of the equation is missing. This is why I make it a point to honor my thoughts and feelings through writing. 

I understand life experiences are unique to each person, but there are times when I think I'm expressing my emotions ‘incorrectly’. I'm led to believe when other people share themselves openly, their process is beneficial, because they are accepted when they do so. I tend to withdraw or conceal more than I let on and this holds me back from being genuine when it's most needed. 

Imagine how frustrating the experience is when people say things like, "it's okay to cry," yet you can't produce any tears. As hard as I might try, nothing ever comes out easily and this lack of response is defeating. I’m not quick to react on an impulsive level; I tend to pause and think before I respond. There are times I wish I had the capacity to have an emotional release, but I suppose it comes out differently. 

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Related Content: 


Heart Amiss Location
A Rationale Costs Him
Action Isolates Harm
Emotional Catharsis.

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