Earlier this year, I started taking long drives alone at night. I couldn’t even call this “Joy Riding” as the mood always felt Somber, or at worst, Resentful. What prompted me to do this was a desire to escape whatever intensity I felt at the moment. Realistically, I know I can’t abandon my problems; I continue holding onto my feelings, even while on the road. These particular journeys often have me experiencing profound sadness. I know the importance of airing my grievances. I’m thankful this hasn’t brought me to where I couldn’t function or physically drive, but I realize this may not be the safest activity to keep practicing.
At the time this all started, I was living with an inconsiderate roommate. Full discretion: This person always stayed home and dominated the living room. Whether they were smoking Weed, playing video games or having loud sex at odd hours of the day - This place did not feel like a Home at all. I acted transparent about my life at work, school and what I could contribute to the apartment. I was able to openly discuss what challenged me, minus my discomfort. In retrospect, I should have been more vocal that the arrangement made me uncomfortable. At the end of my stay, I had no desire to communicate outside of necessity. Instead of confronting or seeking resolve, I got into the habit of leaving for any reason at all.
The other night, I had an episode and took one of those long drives that go nowhere. I wanted to see how far I could ride before turning it all around, taking a freeway I’ve never driven beyond a certain point. I recognized some of the exits, but just kept going. I had no idea where the road was taking me, but I felt the inside surfacing. The further I went, my mind started unlocking memories and people of past times. Some of which evoked feelings of Betrayal. Emotions ranged from the uncertain, upset and even my most outraged. My heart ached and though I wanted to cry, a piercing Roar let out instead. This is the most hysterical I’ve felt in a long time, driving alone with no true destination. As I tried to silence my cries, another voice appeared, “You Can’t Run. You Can’t Hide.”
My Soul knew something that my Mind did not.
Living Alone has been showing me the significance of how I spend time. It is precious and I have no desire to waste any of it. I am well aware that there is (still) much to grieve for the past, but I must remind myself that I am no longer on that part of the timeline. Now I’m more satisfied having peace and quiet when I come home at night. However, my work load hasn’t gotten any easier. There are moments when I feel I’m struggling to keep up with all of my tasks and responsibilities. I’m at a point where I think I’m stagnating or failing and I think my performance is what hinders my growth. I know I chose this path to begin with, but I’m not sure what it’s all worth.
As we’re wrapping up Thanksgiving weekend, I know there are truly many things to be grateful for. I feel like I Give Thanks every time I safely bring myself home. I know that there’s still lots of work to do, but I’m trying to honor everything that’s happened to reach this point. I realize there are parts of my current situation that I once prayed for and now have access to it. I’m taking my time when I have it - I’m tired, but doing the best that I can. In an attempt to make this my regular practice, I try to give myself more Grace at the end of the night, much like a prayer.
- - - - -
Year Round Hood Tenacity;
Nay, You Carried on the Dot.
Ready to Hand Your Notice-
Ready or Not, You Can’t Hide.
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