I am the youngest of 4 children; my oldest sibling, Kariz, is 13 years older than me. I don’t have many childhood experiences with her, but the one that I do remember wasn’t exactly the greatest. One of my earliest memories of bonding with my sister, I actually shied away from her. At that time, our family lived at the Acresite house in Atwater. Kariz thought it would be nice to include me with whatever she was doing that day, so she invited me to come hang out. None of our other siblings came along, so my child-mind thought it would be just me and her.
I remember we walked a few blocks up the street of our home and approached another house. I don’t remember who lived there, but as soon as the door opened, I felt afraid, because everyone looked much bigger and taller than the little 5-year old me. I assume they were friends from school, or some kids from the neighborhood. They had to have been teens and young adults, just like my sister. I felt so anxious entering a room full of strangers and I was the smallest one there. I didn’t know how to express this, so I told Kariz I would walk myself home and left without hesitation.
At this point, I don’t know if my sister even remembers this happening or knows about how the experience made me feel. I sense this is one of those moments that set the tone for our relationship growing up as siblings. I don’t feel very close to her now and tend to envy those who have sisterly bonds. However, I know that if I ever need to, I can contact Kariz for support. I do my best to meet her where she is and value the time we have when we are both present. I don’t know why it remains in my mind, but this is definitely a memory I’ve been tapping into more recently.
When you’re a little kid, the rest of the world always looks bigger and scarier than it actually is. My perception has this way of fooling me now and then, where I still feel like the little kid in the room. Whenever I enter new spaces, I forget that I’m actually in my 30’s and leave my physical age at the door. In most situations, I assume I am less experienced than whoever is around me. I look at others to see what I can learn from them, or gain an ally so I feel less alone. There is this great desire to protect my young, naive self from any danger and all of the things I don’t understand.
I know I won’t always have the comfort of another person to keep me safe, so I’m still learning all the ways to be doing it for myself.
*****
Veil of a Remedy.
Very Ideal of Me.
Feel Air My Dove.
Five Year Old Me.
I remember we walked a few blocks up the street of our home and approached another house. I don’t remember who lived there, but as soon as the door opened, I felt afraid, because everyone looked much bigger and taller than the little 5-year old me. I assume they were friends from school, or some kids from the neighborhood. They had to have been teens and young adults, just like my sister. I felt so anxious entering a room full of strangers and I was the smallest one there. I didn’t know how to express this, so I told Kariz I would walk myself home and left without hesitation.
At this point, I don’t know if my sister even remembers this happening or knows about how the experience made me feel. I sense this is one of those moments that set the tone for our relationship growing up as siblings. I don’t feel very close to her now and tend to envy those who have sisterly bonds. However, I know that if I ever need to, I can contact Kariz for support. I do my best to meet her where she is and value the time we have when we are both present. I don’t know why it remains in my mind, but this is definitely a memory I’ve been tapping into more recently.
When you’re a little kid, the rest of the world always looks bigger and scarier than it actually is. My perception has this way of fooling me now and then, where I still feel like the little kid in the room. Whenever I enter new spaces, I forget that I’m actually in my 30’s and leave my physical age at the door. In most situations, I assume I am less experienced than whoever is around me. I look at others to see what I can learn from them, or gain an ally so I feel less alone. There is this great desire to protect my young, naive self from any danger and all of the things I don’t understand.
I know I won’t always have the comfort of another person to keep me safe, so I’m still learning all the ways to be doing it for myself.
*****
Veil of a Remedy.
Very Ideal of Me.
Feel Air My Dove.
Five Year Old Me.
Comments
Post a Comment