The other day, I got caught up in Downtown Los Angeles Traffic. Normally, I would get frustrated in this situation, but this time felt different. While driving through an area I had been previously, I started remembering some terrible things I witnessed there in the past. I used that time in the car to let my Loud-Self come out. I yelled, screamed and gave rise to a fire deep inside. Sitting alone in traffic awakened a voice I wish I had before in the past. The traffic no longer bothered me, and made my release incredibly cathartic.
For context: I was previously in a position where everything I said and did was silenced by an abusive person I once called friend. I tended to forgive blindly and acted selflessly, because I thought being of service would help, but it only enabled this person to become the worst version of themselves. I remember the frustration behind every argument we had; now in retrospect, understanding that it was all confusion and manipulation. I felt powerless then and couldn’t find the words or strength to act in a way that protected myself more.
Admittedly, there are many unspoken words and emotions I didn’t have the courage to say before. I do not shrink or silence myself anymore so someone else can feel powerful and important. I no longer feel the need to sacrifice who I am to save another human; other people were never my responsibility to begin with. Giving myself full permission to express my thoughts as raw and uninhibited has become one of the most liberating feelings, honoring myself to act freely as I want.
As I’ve learned from my experiences, the amount of disrespect has only taught me to love and serve myself first. Since leaving that toxic relationship behind, I’ve devoted more time to discovering who I am now. Spending these past few years working on myself has helped me reclaim power I didn’t know I had. Furthermore, being in a relationship with someone who is exactly who they say they are encourages me to do the same. A position where my partner validates my experiences and encourages my Best-Self helps me heal and grow in the ways I desire.
To my understanding, Forgiveness is an act of Grace that we actually give ourselves. I’m not yet at a point where I can let go of all the awful things that happened. Sadly, I know that I may never receive justice for an abuser that wasn’t held accountable for their actions. At this point, I don’t want to be reminded that such an evil is alive and thriving. Knowing that I’m Triggered by specific memories tells me that there is more healing to be done. For the time I previously spent in silence, I allow myself to be free now to express the things I held onto for too long.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
torn aid now grown (tornado grown)
grown air not down / roaring downtown
For context: I was previously in a position where everything I said and did was silenced by an abusive person I once called friend. I tended to forgive blindly and acted selflessly, because I thought being of service would help, but it only enabled this person to become the worst version of themselves. I remember the frustration behind every argument we had; now in retrospect, understanding that it was all confusion and manipulation. I felt powerless then and couldn’t find the words or strength to act in a way that protected myself more.
Admittedly, there are many unspoken words and emotions I didn’t have the courage to say before. I do not shrink or silence myself anymore so someone else can feel powerful and important. I no longer feel the need to sacrifice who I am to save another human; other people were never my responsibility to begin with. Giving myself full permission to express my thoughts as raw and uninhibited has become one of the most liberating feelings, honoring myself to act freely as I want.
As I’ve learned from my experiences, the amount of disrespect has only taught me to love and serve myself first. Since leaving that toxic relationship behind, I’ve devoted more time to discovering who I am now. Spending these past few years working on myself has helped me reclaim power I didn’t know I had. Furthermore, being in a relationship with someone who is exactly who they say they are encourages me to do the same. A position where my partner validates my experiences and encourages my Best-Self helps me heal and grow in the ways I desire.
To my understanding, Forgiveness is an act of Grace that we actually give ourselves. I’m not yet at a point where I can let go of all the awful things that happened. Sadly, I know that I may never receive justice for an abuser that wasn’t held accountable for their actions. At this point, I don’t want to be reminded that such an evil is alive and thriving. Knowing that I’m Triggered by specific memories tells me that there is more healing to be done. For the time I previously spent in silence, I allow myself to be free now to express the things I held onto for too long.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
torn aid now grown (tornado grown)
grown air not down / roaring downtown
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