I noticed my mind tends to drift while I’m handling everyday tasks at work; I just remember things randomly. Recently, I started recalling some old stomping grounds, places where I used to have fun. I don’t know if there’s something about my current job that brings up old memories, or if I’m just being nostalgic. The other day, my mind misremembered the chronological order of things and this messed with my perception completely. I saw sequences and certain people appear, but these memories need to be separated for my own safety.
What the Hell am I actually talking about? … There was an intrusive thought slipping into the mix and I didn’t want any part of it. I felt fine, until I saw the face of an abuser. This memory shifted my mood in a way that I didn’t want it to. It felt so abrupt and foul, the visualization stopped me dead in my tracks. I furrowed my brows and all I could muster up, “What the Fuck!” I needed to ground myself in the middle of the work day and bear with it. I gave myself a sincere reality check: reminded me of who I am, the people who love me and recognize what timeline I’m on.
Exhausted nearing the end of the work day, there were still errands for me to complete. Every miscalculation and mistake on my behalf felt monumental. I carried the weight of mental burdens that desperately needed resolve. Mixed emotions appeared in my body language and posture: confused, aggressive and frustrated. I couldn’t shake these feelings and screamed in the long car ride, alone in agony. Later that evening, I couldn’t pretend being okay and broke down in front of my boyfriend. I tried explaining what happened, but found myself with a face full of tears, crying over the fire ablaze in my chest.
After years of being gaslit by another person, I fear that I’ve inadvertently adopted that behavior and started doing it to myself. God Damn it. I refuse to believe that my mind is playing tricks on me like that. What upset me most was being so emotionally triggered; experiencing this shook me violently at my core. When the body experiences traumatic events, the brain records those moments much differently than something that’s more pleasant or neutral. I’ve heard that people who experience trauma most likely have heavily skewed and fragmented memories. Coming to terms with this has been painful for me.
Admittedly, I’m now obsessed with creating as many new memories as possible, so much that I haven’t given myself pause to examine the past and ground some of my older experiences. I am fiercely defensive about this, because I cannot and will not let the intrusive thoughts steal today’s Joy. Lately, I spend lots of time focused on my career development and advancing my education. I don’t think I’ve even taken much pause to stop and appreciate the effort and growth that it’s taken to get here.
I’m thinking about a quote. “Somewhere in the future, your older self is watching you right now through memories. Whether it’s with regret or nostalgia depends on what you do now.”
- - - - -
Grail or Collide
Dire or all Logic
Dice Roll or I Lag
illogical Order
What the Hell am I actually talking about? … There was an intrusive thought slipping into the mix and I didn’t want any part of it. I felt fine, until I saw the face of an abuser. This memory shifted my mood in a way that I didn’t want it to. It felt so abrupt and foul, the visualization stopped me dead in my tracks. I furrowed my brows and all I could muster up, “What the Fuck!” I needed to ground myself in the middle of the work day and bear with it. I gave myself a sincere reality check: reminded me of who I am, the people who love me and recognize what timeline I’m on.
Exhausted nearing the end of the work day, there were still errands for me to complete. Every miscalculation and mistake on my behalf felt monumental. I carried the weight of mental burdens that desperately needed resolve. Mixed emotions appeared in my body language and posture: confused, aggressive and frustrated. I couldn’t shake these feelings and screamed in the long car ride, alone in agony. Later that evening, I couldn’t pretend being okay and broke down in front of my boyfriend. I tried explaining what happened, but found myself with a face full of tears, crying over the fire ablaze in my chest.
After years of being gaslit by another person, I fear that I’ve inadvertently adopted that behavior and started doing it to myself. God Damn it. I refuse to believe that my mind is playing tricks on me like that. What upset me most was being so emotionally triggered; experiencing this shook me violently at my core. When the body experiences traumatic events, the brain records those moments much differently than something that’s more pleasant or neutral. I’ve heard that people who experience trauma most likely have heavily skewed and fragmented memories. Coming to terms with this has been painful for me.
Admittedly, I’m now obsessed with creating as many new memories as possible, so much that I haven’t given myself pause to examine the past and ground some of my older experiences. I am fiercely defensive about this, because I cannot and will not let the intrusive thoughts steal today’s Joy. Lately, I spend lots of time focused on my career development and advancing my education. I don’t think I’ve even taken much pause to stop and appreciate the effort and growth that it’s taken to get here.
I’m thinking about a quote. “Somewhere in the future, your older self is watching you right now through memories. Whether it’s with regret or nostalgia depends on what you do now.”
- - - - -
Grail or Collide
Dire or all Logic
Dice Roll or I Lag
illogical Order
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