It’s been hard for me to forgive my past self when I think about the countless ways I’ve made mistakes. The moments when I hurt loved ones and betrayed myself. The ways in which I abandoned who I was and repressed the person I was becoming. Lacking a sense of self-worth hindered my ability to choose for my best self. Sometimes I wish I could describe what my young mind was thinking, but I sense that was exactly the problem. I was naive to a fault, often indecisive about what I wanted in life.
As time passes, it’s harder to dig deeply and revisit my younger versions of self. I had a very low self-esteem back then and made foolish decisions trying to fit in, or befriend everyone I ever met. I valued the idea of growing with others rather than strengthening the relationship I had with myself. I desired friendships and connection, even though some of those bonds were unhealthy. I relied on the approval of others and couldn’t see my own value. I was less sensitive to my carelessness and it came at a cost.
One of the hardest truths for me to swallow is having trauma bonded with an abusive person. I’ve avoided this topic, because I’m still upset and have no idea what the fuck I’m supposed to call it. When I think about the ways that this person disrespected me and the people that I care about, I don’t know why I ever allowed them in my life. I spent years investing in someone who was never deserving. I turned a blind eye because I didn’t know how to stand up for myself or set clear boundaries. I didn’t know how to comfort them, let alone Confront their behavior.
For the longest time, I didn’t realize that Walking away was an option and I think this may have been why I stuck around. I sincerely thought if I kept putting effort into the relationship, life might get better, but this just gave them space to keep being awful. Imagine being so devoted to someone only to see everything fall apart: it’s heart breaking knowing the friendship failed and realizing that your efforts have no value. Another friend commended me, saying I had so much love to give, despite being constantly mistreated.
Looking back, it’s difficult to accept that this was once my reality, as the thought of that person still triggers me. There are even moments where I think I could have easily ruined that person’s life, but when it comes down to it, I decided not to choose violence. I know I need to give myself more grace and compassion when it comes to wrapping my head around this. I know now that I am fully deserving of the tenderness and friendship I so badly wanted to give.
Now I have to remember the effort it takes to continue choosing myself and the things that matter in this Life.
# # # # #
Erosion as Reflex
Fix one’s real sore
So Linear for Exes
Reasons for Exile
As time passes, it’s harder to dig deeply and revisit my younger versions of self. I had a very low self-esteem back then and made foolish decisions trying to fit in, or befriend everyone I ever met. I valued the idea of growing with others rather than strengthening the relationship I had with myself. I desired friendships and connection, even though some of those bonds were unhealthy. I relied on the approval of others and couldn’t see my own value. I was less sensitive to my carelessness and it came at a cost.
One of the hardest truths for me to swallow is having trauma bonded with an abusive person. I’ve avoided this topic, because I’m still upset and have no idea what the fuck I’m supposed to call it. When I think about the ways that this person disrespected me and the people that I care about, I don’t know why I ever allowed them in my life. I spent years investing in someone who was never deserving. I turned a blind eye because I didn’t know how to stand up for myself or set clear boundaries. I didn’t know how to comfort them, let alone Confront their behavior.
For the longest time, I didn’t realize that Walking away was an option and I think this may have been why I stuck around. I sincerely thought if I kept putting effort into the relationship, life might get better, but this just gave them space to keep being awful. Imagine being so devoted to someone only to see everything fall apart: it’s heart breaking knowing the friendship failed and realizing that your efforts have no value. Another friend commended me, saying I had so much love to give, despite being constantly mistreated.
Looking back, it’s difficult to accept that this was once my reality, as the thought of that person still triggers me. There are even moments where I think I could have easily ruined that person’s life, but when it comes down to it, I decided not to choose violence. I know I need to give myself more grace and compassion when it comes to wrapping my head around this. I know now that I am fully deserving of the tenderness and friendship I so badly wanted to give.
Now I have to remember the effort it takes to continue choosing myself and the things that matter in this Life.
# # # # #
Erosion as Reflex
Fix one’s real sore
So Linear for Exes
Reasons for Exile
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