A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I spent some time exploring Museum Row after attending a Japanese Buddhist lecture & workshop on the westside. We walked around La Brea Tar Pits, examined the Levitated Mass' and planted ourselves at LACMA's courtyard facing Wilshire boulevard. While I surveyed the lot, I dug deep remembering the last time I ever visited. I didn't think returning to Urban Lights would awaken old memories, but maybe that's why it's called "Triggering".
Years ago, my younger self felt insignificant, paired with low-self esteem. Instructing me to pose for a camera may not have been the best way to address any insecurity or discomfort, it probably exaggerated my body dysmorphia more. What’s the point in being someone’s photographic subject, but never given the freedom to emote or express myself. Where's the authenticity in that? Then, the person I thought I was seeing exclusively had the audacity to entertain another girl at this place - Excuse me, What the Fuck?
First of all, How Dare You. What happened here is absolute bullshit and I have no reason to be around for any of it. I used to think I could relate and understand you, but I realize I lied to myself seeking some type of connection. My comfort never held any priority and your actions just proved it. Playing stupid games wins stupid prizes, so I'm done wasting that kind of time. You needed me more than I have ever needed you and that's why you always BEGGED me to stick around. You're Pathetic.
Stepping away from this incident, my past experience left me feeling major discomfort and showed me exactly what I meant to that person. However, I no longer feel secondary because I know my worth is much greater than whatever stupid excuse that jackass gave me. I don’t know if I care for an apology at this point, because I want nothing to do with them. However, I’m going to keep speaking freely about how frustrating my experiences were, because I have no reason to hold back.
Today, I'm in a healthy, romantic relationship with someone who understands the love language I practice and speak. I better understand what it means to care genuinely, because I'm with someone who offers sincerity and reciprocity. The person I choose to be with prioritizes my safety and comfort above all things. I love and appreciate the Man I move forward with, because he offers softness and patience during moments of vulnerability. I actively let go of the past, so we can claim space and create new memories together.
* * * * *
A Light Witch Burns
Years ago, my younger self felt insignificant, paired with low-self esteem. Instructing me to pose for a camera may not have been the best way to address any insecurity or discomfort, it probably exaggerated my body dysmorphia more. What’s the point in being someone’s photographic subject, but never given the freedom to emote or express myself. Where's the authenticity in that? Then, the person I thought I was seeing exclusively had the audacity to entertain another girl at this place - Excuse me, What the Fuck?
What made this experience so upsetting was that I never got clarity about what happened. When I tried talking about it, the incident got swept aside, confirming my thoughts and feelings weren’t ever prioritized. I remember feeling disrespected and confused, but I couldn’t find the words to articulate. I buried these emotions so deeply, I didn't realize how much I held back until it all came out. Revisiting this place uncovered something I heavily suppressed.
Here I am, trying to work through it and "close the chapter" as advised. Let’s take a moment to honor my younger self, who felt powerless in the past:
First of all, How Dare You. What happened here is absolute bullshit and I have no reason to be around for any of it. I used to think I could relate and understand you, but I realize I lied to myself seeking some type of connection. My comfort never held any priority and your actions just proved it. Playing stupid games wins stupid prizes, so I'm done wasting that kind of time. You needed me more than I have ever needed you and that's why you always BEGGED me to stick around. You're Pathetic.
Stepping away from this incident, my past experience left me feeling major discomfort and showed me exactly what I meant to that person. However, I no longer feel secondary because I know my worth is much greater than whatever stupid excuse that jackass gave me. I don’t know if I care for an apology at this point, because I want nothing to do with them. However, I’m going to keep speaking freely about how frustrating my experiences were, because I have no reason to hold back.
Today, I'm in a healthy, romantic relationship with someone who understands the love language I practice and speak. I better understand what it means to care genuinely, because I'm with someone who offers sincerity and reciprocity. The person I choose to be with prioritizes my safety and comfort above all things. I love and appreciate the Man I move forward with, because he offers softness and patience during moments of vulnerability. I actively let go of the past, so we can claim space and create new memories together.
* * * * *
A Light Witch Burns
Starling, But Which
Which Bustling Art
Urban Light Switch
Urban Light Switch
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