Even though my boyfriend and I have been going steady for the past 3.5+ years, we’ve actually been knowing each other for about 15 years give or take, partly thanks to the pandemic pause. There was a lengthy period of time before we started dating, when I was involved with lesser’ individuals. He cut ties with me as a response to the complications of my toxic relationship. Sadly, our friendship wasn’t the only connection that took collateral damage during that time. Talk about surviving the pain that comes with being trauma bonded and learning to understand my adolescent relationships. I feel it’s necessary to hold space for the more complex parts of the narrative, as I continue navigating unresolved wounds and become more comfortable speaking freely about it.
It’s taken time for me to make my own conclusions about the manipulative nature of a former partner. Back then, I was too naive to understand that this person only cared about their own benefits, needing to maintain power and control. My unyielding loyalty and obedience only protected them. The exile’ never had any decency to label what existed, as if there was deep shame in being intimately involved with me. Going (10+) years without having a concrete definition was exhausting; the most explanation I ever received being, “it is what it is,” was just as confusing as it was insulting. For someone who openly joked about raping women and denied any forms of abuse, they were never legally held accountable for their heinous acts.
Experiencing a near-fatal incident with this person was the dangerous catalyst that helped me realize there was no room for salvation. After several years of enduring mental gymnastics and tolerating their heavily distorted perceptions of reality, there was no point in staying in a situation where I would never be seen or sincerely protected. One of the final moments I recall was that this person expressed their uncertainty; “Why do I feel like something Bad is about to happen?” Open your eyes, Coward. I left the single most abusive person in my life without warning, because I owe them absolutely nothing. I never regret taking bold actions, going no-contact and swiftly removing them from my timeline. From that moment, it was all about moving forward and never looking back.
What followed the most detrimental time in my life may be best described as my period of reawakening. Exercising free will and autonomy, exploring the depths of other relationships and experiencing different dynamics at my discretion, all of which was liberating and intimidating. During the course of my reawakening, I met a handful of people; unfortunately, none of which gave me a sense of confidence or security. Most were average dudes and some boys just being boys; they primarily sought after satisfaction, hardly any showed up expressing genuine connection. Slowly but surely, I felt less confusion and gained more confidence in making decisions about what I wanted. I had my share of encounters to figure out what actually matters to me.
One of the people I met during my reawakening period went through personal hardships as well, separating from a long-term marriage. I remember this person tended to be ravenous in my presence, openly expressing their carnal desires. While our experiences offered fast-paced thrills, I didn’t foresee a serious relationship developing beyond exhilaration. When we addressed this dynamic between us, they said, “I’m trying to see how you fit in my life. You’re a beautiful distraction from reality.” We were both clearly on the rebound, but I didn’t feel disrespected; our conversation was enough for me to evaluate my choices. Of all the situations I found myself in, walking away from excitement was the sound decision.
As much as I wanted to continue exploring and entertaining the possibility of others, I decided to devote more to myself so I could focus on personal development. For me, going on this path meant removing many distractions and essentially suppressing my hormonal desires. Shortly after vowing to celibacy, a familiar face re-entered my life. I remember feeling great disbelief, because I convinced myself that this person would never return after all that had happened. I felt heavily guarded and exercised caution, because I had already faced many disappointments by then. I’d be damned if another person were to enter my life and cause anymore irreversible harm. More importantly, I didn’t know that they would be receptive to this new, developing version of me.
We had an opportunity to meet up and part of it felt like we were seeing each other for the first time again. The purpose of meeting was to give closure to the past and offer reconciliation. I took that moment to express some of the things I didn’t have the words for previously. It was important for me to be honest about the painful realities that I experienced. Imagine speaking with someone who you hurt unintentionally, and giving space to express the ways in which you were also abused. Not everyone has the privilege knowing how I suffered; this man acknowledged me and sat patiently while I revealed my wounds. With everything laid out across the table, we both needed to decide how we chose to move forward.
Within the first year of our now romantic relationship, I know there were moments where we likely experienced some type of hesitation or worry. I feel the level of care and attention that we continue offering each other speaks to how much the relationship matters to the both of us. Through this experience, I am learning to be more vocal about my needs, openly expressing what gives me safety and reassurance. When I’ve asked him how he feels about being with me, he says with full confidence, “You’re my Girl; You fit into my life quite nicely.” In those moments, I no longer feel like a distraction, but I’m becoming the person I need to be.
An old friend of mine used to say, “What is meant for you will return to You.” I remember this sentiment when I look at how far we’ve come and think about where we’ll go next.
# # # # #
Facts Rebuild Situation
Tribulation Caused Fits
Build True Satisfaction
Beautiful Distractions
It’s taken time for me to make my own conclusions about the manipulative nature of a former partner. Back then, I was too naive to understand that this person only cared about their own benefits, needing to maintain power and control. My unyielding loyalty and obedience only protected them. The exile’ never had any decency to label what existed, as if there was deep shame in being intimately involved with me. Going (10+) years without having a concrete definition was exhausting; the most explanation I ever received being, “it is what it is,” was just as confusing as it was insulting. For someone who openly joked about raping women and denied any forms of abuse, they were never legally held accountable for their heinous acts.
Experiencing a near-fatal incident with this person was the dangerous catalyst that helped me realize there was no room for salvation. After several years of enduring mental gymnastics and tolerating their heavily distorted perceptions of reality, there was no point in staying in a situation where I would never be seen or sincerely protected. One of the final moments I recall was that this person expressed their uncertainty; “Why do I feel like something Bad is about to happen?” Open your eyes, Coward. I left the single most abusive person in my life without warning, because I owe them absolutely nothing. I never regret taking bold actions, going no-contact and swiftly removing them from my timeline. From that moment, it was all about moving forward and never looking back.
What followed the most detrimental time in my life may be best described as my period of reawakening. Exercising free will and autonomy, exploring the depths of other relationships and experiencing different dynamics at my discretion, all of which was liberating and intimidating. During the course of my reawakening, I met a handful of people; unfortunately, none of which gave me a sense of confidence or security. Most were average dudes and some boys just being boys; they primarily sought after satisfaction, hardly any showed up expressing genuine connection. Slowly but surely, I felt less confusion and gained more confidence in making decisions about what I wanted. I had my share of encounters to figure out what actually matters to me.
One of the people I met during my reawakening period went through personal hardships as well, separating from a long-term marriage. I remember this person tended to be ravenous in my presence, openly expressing their carnal desires. While our experiences offered fast-paced thrills, I didn’t foresee a serious relationship developing beyond exhilaration. When we addressed this dynamic between us, they said, “I’m trying to see how you fit in my life. You’re a beautiful distraction from reality.” We were both clearly on the rebound, but I didn’t feel disrespected; our conversation was enough for me to evaluate my choices. Of all the situations I found myself in, walking away from excitement was the sound decision.
As much as I wanted to continue exploring and entertaining the possibility of others, I decided to devote more to myself so I could focus on personal development. For me, going on this path meant removing many distractions and essentially suppressing my hormonal desires. Shortly after vowing to celibacy, a familiar face re-entered my life. I remember feeling great disbelief, because I convinced myself that this person would never return after all that had happened. I felt heavily guarded and exercised caution, because I had already faced many disappointments by then. I’d be damned if another person were to enter my life and cause anymore irreversible harm. More importantly, I didn’t know that they would be receptive to this new, developing version of me.
We had an opportunity to meet up and part of it felt like we were seeing each other for the first time again. The purpose of meeting was to give closure to the past and offer reconciliation. I took that moment to express some of the things I didn’t have the words for previously. It was important for me to be honest about the painful realities that I experienced. Imagine speaking with someone who you hurt unintentionally, and giving space to express the ways in which you were also abused. Not everyone has the privilege knowing how I suffered; this man acknowledged me and sat patiently while I revealed my wounds. With everything laid out across the table, we both needed to decide how we chose to move forward.
Within the first year of our now romantic relationship, I know there were moments where we likely experienced some type of hesitation or worry. I feel the level of care and attention that we continue offering each other speaks to how much the relationship matters to the both of us. Through this experience, I am learning to be more vocal about my needs, openly expressing what gives me safety and reassurance. When I’ve asked him how he feels about being with me, he says with full confidence, “You’re my Girl; You fit into my life quite nicely.” In those moments, I no longer feel like a distraction, but I’m becoming the person I need to be.
An old friend of mine used to say, “What is meant for you will return to You.” I remember this sentiment when I look at how far we’ve come and think about where we’ll go next.
# # # # #
Facts Rebuild Situation
Tribulation Caused Fits
Build True Satisfaction
Beautiful Distractions
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