Poetry - Make No Claim

They called themselves a provider,
with money, influence and status.
So how many times was I insulted
Over the course of Whatever that was?

Holding different perspectives
of the “relationship” in Question,
Now I realize their objectives:
Power, Control, Degradation.

So impossible to Please, 
it Blinded my Intuition.
As I recall these memories, 

I stop asking their Permission.   

Blame was never mine to keep,
My Disposition often manipulated.
May they face their Shame! Weep

for Sins they’re unwilling to Admit.   

The Malice Coward fully shaken,
a Representative took Defense -
No Accountability was ever taken
For every heinous offense.

Cowering from the spotlight,
They assume it’s an Attack. 
"You took something of Mine,

Now I'm going to put it Back." 

I’ve revisited old spaces in time

to forgive former parts of myself,
release things that no longer align,

and reinforce my mental health.  

I minimize their Existence,
Reduce emotional pains,
Detach and offer distance.
This person, I do not claim.

~

My boyfriend suggested I turn Pain into Art. I like to think I do that in my writing.

   
When I revisit the past, my memories play vividly, as fresh as day. Lately, I started thinking about moments when I was hurt in adolescence. Everything I thought I had forgotten is tucked away mentally. I can even go as far back and recall the moment I met the person who ultimately inflicted the harm. It doesn’t matter how far along I've moved since the first incident, the body and mind remembers it. 

There was so much that my naive self didn't understand back then, my idea of self-worth crumbled quietly. My safety was violated quickly, I lost any sense of security and leaned on the very person who caused harm to also shelter me. I see how the mind weaves the memories together and brings me "back" there, so I'm actively working to release the emotional ties associated with it. 

Trauma is interesting, because we know that healing is non-linear; moving beyond it is a choice I must actively make. Revisiting earlier aspects of myself is a part of healing, too. Letting go of past idealizations, seeing moments for what they were, tending to my wounded-self. I repeatedly tell myself that what matters now is how I act today, and what I choose to do moving forward.