Disengagement Party

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For the past year, I was convinced that I didn't need to make myself present for anyone who does not respect me. In this case, I’m referring to the siblings I live with. They imply that respect is mutual, but in my experience, it‘s quite the opposite. Each time that I have tried to interact with them previously, they repeatedly told me that I am “unwanted and unwelcome in this house.” That I am “not valued and [my] opinions are not valued by anyone.” I received these lines so many times, I stopped talking altogether. This pattern signaled me to leave them alone, so that’s exactly what I did. I held silent, interacting only with those who would welcome me. 

Even as I disengaged aggressors, understand that hostility is still present. I don’t know that anyone calls attention to it or desires change. In hopes of finding advice or resolve, I reached to people outside the house about this situation. Most of which could only offer their prayer or Well-Wishes. I came to the conclusion that I cannot make anyone accept their actions, as bold or offensive as they may be. Even though my words hold little presence within these walls, I continued writing openly about it. My statements eventually graduated onto social media platforms where everyone could access, read & react to it. I refused to tolerate what I had seen and heard. This is not even an achievement. If you experienced this anguish on the daily, you might feel inclined to do the same.

After months of an indefinite silence, my brother directly spoke to me, inviting me to a gathering he was hosting. Unfortunately, he came around when an invisible barrier stands firmly between us. Keep in mind that this happened after my statements moved into the public view; prior altercations had not been properly addressed or taken seriously by our family at this point. Our parents, specifically Mom, asked that we act appropriately and cordially with each other despite any disagreements - I saw his invitation as an opportunity to exercise that. Mind you, I had disengaged my siblings for such a long time that my instinct was to decline any type of interaction. I do not want to participate in activities just to mask reality.

Despite my attempt to respectfully decline, this was not good enough to leave unscathed. My brother made it a point to expose my aggravation. The truth is, I've already exhausted my thoughts to friends and family. So I thought, What if he really doesn’t get it? I explained how my vow of silence is a result of being disrespected by his own words. I believe his invitation was an attempt to look like a Good Samaritan to everyone, so I chose not to participate in something that isn’t genuine. I did exactly what was asked of me: I expressed myself honestly and calmly in truth. Still, my brother chose to identify me (and my company) as an antagonist. Even practicing nonaggression, my actions were perceived as a source of aggravation.

How does someone enter their home and become a target for another person’s frustration? I was initially upset as I tried expressing myself and was denied a platform to speak. I did not surrender; rather, I chose to disengage as means of protection. I acted quietly and detached myself from being cornered. I did everything in my power to act impartial, but am still the reason to blame. When I think about what transpired and how this situation turned on me, I grow annoyed and disappointed. If we refuse to accept what rises in ourselves, how can we comprehend (the good & bad) that others see within us? As long as I am here with them, I do not expect anyone to protect me. Part of me wants to understand the root of the frustration, but it may be something I will never understand.

I wish I didn’t speak of family like this, but here I am.

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