Have you ever felt something so deeply that it pierced your chest? I'm not talking about Vampires with a stake driven to the heart. Let's say you're a physically healthy human being and take care of your body regularly. Perhaps something or someone pulls at your heart strings, resulting in some type of pain. You find yourself asking, "Why does this happen to Me?" Do not ignore the feeling when it is present. Your body is telling you to pay attention to yourself and your environment. Know that the sensation of an aching heart is real. I wish I knew how to address this sooner so I could understand the experience, but it just becomes clearer every time it happens to me.
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It is with great sadness that I must discuss this, but I don't know any other way to express it. Currently, I do not feel comfortable speaking around my immediate family, as I've been led to believe that I’m not accepted by them. My oldest brother has deliberately told me that I am not welcome or valued by anyone here. Some could make the argument of "Sticks and Stones", but do you have any idea how horrible it feels to hear that? Part of me refuses to believe him, because our parents make efforts to communicate with me. However, their voices get drowned by the loudness of others, so we retreat into silent corners. I sense my siblings refuse to acknowledge me, because my lifestyle choices are foreign to them. Is it because as adults, I take on personal Responsibility while they choose not to?
It's difficult suppressing myself so frequently, so much that it pains me to be around them. It's awful to have to admit that, but it's true. I have to refrain from making contact with my infant niece and nephew, despite their cries and pleas. I have trouble holding them near me- my nephew of a few months is cooperative, but my niece now pushes or runs away from my open arms. I often limit my interactions - I fear that if I extend myself toward them, it will discomfort the parents, as I am a Monster that they choose not to engage. As much as I want to discuss and be part of the family, I see myself as a Phantom that haunts them. I only communicate with those who summon me; I no longer speak up for myself as my words have fallen on deaf ears. It doesn't matter what I do or say around them - This Is the Life that the children’s parents Demanded, to be Absent of Me.
This is proving to be an emotionally challenging time, so I‘ve started praying for the well-being of our Family. I Hope that someday, we will be more accepting of one another. Though to be honest, I don't know that it will actually happen - I do not rely on prayer alone to resolve what's in front of me. I focus on this when I have time to meditate. I‘m mindful of all these things so that I may awaken and forge change within myself. I have learned that those who acknowledge and discuss are willing to accept me. I am no Alien, but an active member of this Community - a Safe place that we assume everyone deserves, without false unity. I don't know that anyone will hear these pleas - However, I hope the pain subsides as I face Reality.
- - - - -
I was inspired by an old song you may recall from Walt Disney's Pinnochio, I’ve Got No Strings:
"I've got No Strings To hold me down,
To make me Fret, Or make me Frown.
I had strings, But now I'm Free,
There are No Strings on me."
Initially, I sought to focus this entry on Marionette Puppetry: expression and movement as controlled by pulling at one's "heart-strings". As I drafted the essay, I realized the content may be much greater than Pinnochio. I've started looking at their projections and fears, referencing Vampires, Phantoms and Monsters to exaggerate unwanted characteristics. As painful as it was to come up with these conclusions, I'm convincing myself that I am beyond than whatever horrible things they assume of me. I continue to Pray and Work toward the change that I desire. I deserve better.
- - - - -
Related Content:
http://atcampiris.blogspot.com/2018/01/hollowed-healing.html - "Hollowed Healing"
http://atcampiris.blogspot.com/2017/12/hero-hotline.html - "Hero Hotline"
http://atcampiris.blogspot.com/2018/08/bereaved-guardian.html - "Bereaved Guardian"
http://atcampiris.blogspot.com/2018/11/voice-of-echoes.html - "Voice of Echoes"
- - - - -
It is with great sadness that I must discuss this, but I don't know any other way to express it. Currently, I do not feel comfortable speaking around my immediate family, as I've been led to believe that I’m not accepted by them. My oldest brother has deliberately told me that I am not welcome or valued by anyone here. Some could make the argument of "Sticks and Stones", but do you have any idea how horrible it feels to hear that? Part of me refuses to believe him, because our parents make efforts to communicate with me. However, their voices get drowned by the loudness of others, so we retreat into silent corners. I sense my siblings refuse to acknowledge me, because my lifestyle choices are foreign to them. Is it because as adults, I take on personal Responsibility while they choose not to?
It's difficult suppressing myself so frequently, so much that it pains me to be around them. It's awful to have to admit that, but it's true. I have to refrain from making contact with my infant niece and nephew, despite their cries and pleas. I have trouble holding them near me- my nephew of a few months is cooperative, but my niece now pushes or runs away from my open arms. I often limit my interactions - I fear that if I extend myself toward them, it will discomfort the parents, as I am a Monster that they choose not to engage. As much as I want to discuss and be part of the family, I see myself as a Phantom that haunts them. I only communicate with those who summon me; I no longer speak up for myself as my words have fallen on deaf ears. It doesn't matter what I do or say around them - This Is the Life that the children’s parents Demanded, to be Absent of Me.
This is proving to be an emotionally challenging time, so I‘ve started praying for the well-being of our Family. I Hope that someday, we will be more accepting of one another. Though to be honest, I don't know that it will actually happen - I do not rely on prayer alone to resolve what's in front of me. I focus on this when I have time to meditate. I‘m mindful of all these things so that I may awaken and forge change within myself. I have learned that those who acknowledge and discuss are willing to accept me. I am no Alien, but an active member of this Community - a Safe place that we assume everyone deserves, without false unity. I don't know that anyone will hear these pleas - However, I hope the pain subsides as I face Reality.
- - - - -
I was inspired by an old song you may recall from Walt Disney's Pinnochio, I’ve Got No Strings:
"I've got No Strings To hold me down,
To make me Fret, Or make me Frown.
I had strings, But now I'm Free,
There are No Strings on me."
Initially, I sought to focus this entry on Marionette Puppetry: expression and movement as controlled by pulling at one's "heart-strings". As I drafted the essay, I realized the content may be much greater than Pinnochio. I've started looking at their projections and fears, referencing Vampires, Phantoms and Monsters to exaggerate unwanted characteristics. As painful as it was to come up with these conclusions, I'm convincing myself that I am beyond than whatever horrible things they assume of me. I continue to Pray and Work toward the change that I desire. I deserve better.
- - - - -
Related Content:
http://atcampiris.blogspot.com/2018/01/hollowed-healing.html - "Hollowed Healing"
http://atcampiris.blogspot.com/2017/12/hero-hotline.html - "Hero Hotline"
http://atcampiris.blogspot.com/2018/08/bereaved-guardian.html - "Bereaved Guardian"
http://atcampiris.blogspot.com/2018/11/voice-of-echoes.html - "Voice of Echoes"
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