There’s some unwritten rule in our house that whenever we're all at home, everyone must be present at the dining table for whatever meal has been prepared. It doesn’t matter what time of day or night, but if mom and dad brought something to eat, we’re all called to gather. I never really questioned this, because it meant that I wouldn’t go hungry and I would get to spend time with my family. Even if I didn’t want to eat, they would call for me to join everyone seated at the table. I grew to believe that this was the family standard and it has been this way for as long as I can remember. I understand now that may not be the "normal" experience for everyone, but this is how I was raised.
In my observations, the only time that actually allows our parents to see and interact with all of us is when we gather to eat. Lately, I don't have much of an appetite when everyone is present. During these meals, I'm always mindful of how they communicate and interact with one another. I don't bring any of their habits to their attention, but I wonder if they are really aware of themselves when we’re all present. I only ever speak up when I'm addressed, so it's usually my Father who reels me into the conversation. I'm not intentionally short with my answers, but I don't have much to contribute to their discussion. I'll typically pace myself just so I can sit down and stay for the conversation / lecture.
We recently had guests visit the house shortly after the Thanksgiving Holiday; some of Dad's relatives came by. As usual, Mom graciously prepared our meal, but when we were called to dinner, something felt off. First, my family had issues with the seating arrangement: my brother did not want me next to him or his children. So I found space on the other side of the table and sat. When it came time to eat, they revealed Filipino-Style noodles (Pancit) and stew (Diniguan). I had no appetite for either one; so I ate a small serving of noodles and excused myself. Even though I hadn't eaten in hours, I wasn't feeling hungry. I wasn't overwhelmed with illness; I realized I just didn't want to be around.
As much as I would like to be present with my Parents, I don't always feel welcomed to be with everyone else. Most likely because we haven't acknowledged our problems with one another, only to ignore it, as if that does any good. I’ve lost interest with my siblings as I don't know how I can help or support their growth as individuals. I no longer have a sense of belonging, I'm only present to appease the family. The meals shared with Mom and Dad are the only way they can have all of us together. This facade that everything is alright as long as we gather to dine and share stories with one another. I'm sorry to say it; this hurts my heart more than my stomach. I lose my appetite when I'm forced to sit with them.
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In my observations, the only time that actually allows our parents to see and interact with all of us is when we gather to eat. Lately, I don't have much of an appetite when everyone is present. During these meals, I'm always mindful of how they communicate and interact with one another. I don't bring any of their habits to their attention, but I wonder if they are really aware of themselves when we’re all present. I only ever speak up when I'm addressed, so it's usually my Father who reels me into the conversation. I'm not intentionally short with my answers, but I don't have much to contribute to their discussion. I'll typically pace myself just so I can sit down and stay for the conversation / lecture.
We recently had guests visit the house shortly after the Thanksgiving Holiday; some of Dad's relatives came by. As usual, Mom graciously prepared our meal, but when we were called to dinner, something felt off. First, my family had issues with the seating arrangement: my brother did not want me next to him or his children. So I found space on the other side of the table and sat. When it came time to eat, they revealed Filipino-Style noodles (Pancit) and stew (Diniguan). I had no appetite for either one; so I ate a small serving of noodles and excused myself. Even though I hadn't eaten in hours, I wasn't feeling hungry. I wasn't overwhelmed with illness; I realized I just didn't want to be around.
As much as I would like to be present with my Parents, I don't always feel welcomed to be with everyone else. Most likely because we haven't acknowledged our problems with one another, only to ignore it, as if that does any good. I’ve lost interest with my siblings as I don't know how I can help or support their growth as individuals. I no longer have a sense of belonging, I'm only present to appease the family. The meals shared with Mom and Dad are the only way they can have all of us together. This facade that everything is alright as long as we gather to dine and share stories with one another. I'm sorry to say it; this hurts my heart more than my stomach. I lose my appetite when I'm forced to sit with them.
- - - - -
Related Content:
http://atcampiris.blogspot.com/2018/11/gray-area.html - Gray Area
http://atcampiris.blogspot.com/2018/11/ive-heart-strings.html - I've Heart Strings
http://atcampiris.blogspot.com/2018/08/bereaved-guardian.html - Bereaved Guardian
https://atcampiris.blogspot.com/2017/09/forever-after.html - Forever After
https://atcampiris.blogspot.com/2017/06/alone-together.html - Alone Together
https://atcampiris.blogspot.com/2017/05/hibernation.html - Hibernation
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