Disclaimer: Some may find the nature of this content inappropriate or unsettling. If you are easily triggered or sensitive to such things, I apologize. The topic has crossed my mind multiple times within the past few weeks, so I’m starting to think that this is something I need to take time with and discuss. To reassure the readers, I am physically safe and have not done any self-harm, but this does not mean that my mental or emotional state is protected. What an appropriate time to address these issues, during Mental Health Awareness month. With all of that said, Please proceed with Caution.
The month of May has not exactly been so kind. Nearly every day I find myself saying, “I do not want to exist.” Let me vanish into air, so no one else gets hurt. What would happen if I stopped existing? Would my family be happier without me? I’m not talking about suicide or death - not yet, at least. But I have started thinking about what life would be like, without Me. There are still moments when I do experience joy, but it‘s not enough to alleviate my disappointments. I continue daily and weekly routines, but it would seem that old wounds reopened and new ones have surfaced.
To be honest, I thought that May-2019 would be the month that I finally move out of my parents house. I purged many material possessions so I might leave with a clear, physical and mental state. This cleansing process has helped me better understand necessities versus luxuries. So as the end of April came near, the roommate had some disagreements that eventually led into the two of us falling out. If I am to remain in contact with this person, they need to initiate and reach out. There is no reason for me to start conversation if the person acted on selfishness & doubts.
Then I’m reminded, “Sometimes it’s your own blood.” Within our family, my oldest brother continues to target me as the source of aggression. As I have no relative who can relate or support, it makes me believe I am “unwanted and not valued” as he so delicately put. My brother followed up to say “You isolate yourself from the family and act disrespectfully.” Firstly, he told me I am unwanted, so I disengaged them - Then they wonder why I choose not to be present? My acts of nonaggression are seen as their exact opposite and I don’t understand why. I have no idea if my brother says slanderous things to our siblings about me, but I sense I am truly alone in this situation.
The intensity of my feelings may be the result of repressing emotions during my daytime job. Not to mention the current office culture reflects my Home life very similarly. I stopped believing that my family would listen or offer any resolve, unless I did something wild; like broadcast it across social media platforms. Most of our dialogue involves, “Maybe Time will help things change,” and all of that Well-Wishing that was previously covered. I’ve expressed the situations to a few friends - Thank You to those who lend their time and energy. But know that I’m not counting on “Maybe” to get me through this. I have not had the easiest time enjoying myself as these wounds have yet to heal.
The month of May has given me many challenges. Imagine exerting yourself to become the absolute best version of you, but this is not enough to satisfy any areas of your life. What is the point of existing if my presence brings pain and discomfort? I have no business being present if people only choose to see the bad qualities in me. I have no control of how others perceive; I don’t want to be around if that’s all that they choose to believe. I feel completely powerless in all of these aspects and can only rely on myself. This is no one’s burden but my own. It’s been difficult pulling myself out of a slump I was thrown into. I often relate this to the concept of Purgatory.
There’s this old saying that the truth is not pretty. I am not sorry for anything that I have said to this point. The information I shared has been written with the intention of speaking truthfully and honestly with others. I know that suicide is not the answer to any problem, but the message feels as though someone may be ready to end their life. I wish I could stop existing, as I’ve come to believe my absence might satisfy others. Why do you think I rarely show myself in public? Now you’ve had some time to digest: If you ceased to exist, who would benefit from it? I am not talking about death, but I’m saying I wish to disappear from this current state. I imagine Life might improve once I’ve left.
- - - - -
Not to Worry - This is not my Final Post.
Related Content:
http://atcampiris.blogspot.com/2019/05/disengagement-party.html - "Disengagement Party"
http://atcampiris.blogspot.com/2019/04/poetry-sharing-vision-equally.html - Poetry - (SAVE)
http://atcampiris.blogspot.com/2019/04/wishing-well.html - "Wishing Well"
http://atcampiris.blogspot.com/2019/04/royal-family.html - "Royal Family"
The month of May has not exactly been so kind. Nearly every day I find myself saying, “I do not want to exist.” Let me vanish into air, so no one else gets hurt. What would happen if I stopped existing? Would my family be happier without me? I’m not talking about suicide or death - not yet, at least. But I have started thinking about what life would be like, without Me. There are still moments when I do experience joy, but it‘s not enough to alleviate my disappointments. I continue daily and weekly routines, but it would seem that old wounds reopened and new ones have surfaced.
To be honest, I thought that May-2019 would be the month that I finally move out of my parents house. I purged many material possessions so I might leave with a clear, physical and mental state. This cleansing process has helped me better understand necessities versus luxuries. So as the end of April came near, the roommate had some disagreements that eventually led into the two of us falling out. If I am to remain in contact with this person, they need to initiate and reach out. There is no reason for me to start conversation if the person acted on selfishness & doubts.
Then I’m reminded, “Sometimes it’s your own blood.” Within our family, my oldest brother continues to target me as the source of aggression. As I have no relative who can relate or support, it makes me believe I am “unwanted and not valued” as he so delicately put. My brother followed up to say “You isolate yourself from the family and act disrespectfully.” Firstly, he told me I am unwanted, so I disengaged them - Then they wonder why I choose not to be present? My acts of nonaggression are seen as their exact opposite and I don’t understand why. I have no idea if my brother says slanderous things to our siblings about me, but I sense I am truly alone in this situation.
The intensity of my feelings may be the result of repressing emotions during my daytime job. Not to mention the current office culture reflects my Home life very similarly. I stopped believing that my family would listen or offer any resolve, unless I did something wild; like broadcast it across social media platforms. Most of our dialogue involves, “Maybe Time will help things change,” and all of that Well-Wishing that was previously covered. I’ve expressed the situations to a few friends - Thank You to those who lend their time and energy. But know that I’m not counting on “Maybe” to get me through this. I have not had the easiest time enjoying myself as these wounds have yet to heal.
The month of May has given me many challenges. Imagine exerting yourself to become the absolute best version of you, but this is not enough to satisfy any areas of your life. What is the point of existing if my presence brings pain and discomfort? I have no business being present if people only choose to see the bad qualities in me. I have no control of how others perceive; I don’t want to be around if that’s all that they choose to believe. I feel completely powerless in all of these aspects and can only rely on myself. This is no one’s burden but my own. It’s been difficult pulling myself out of a slump I was thrown into. I often relate this to the concept of Purgatory.
There’s this old saying that the truth is not pretty. I am not sorry for anything that I have said to this point. The information I shared has been written with the intention of speaking truthfully and honestly with others. I know that suicide is not the answer to any problem, but the message feels as though someone may be ready to end their life. I wish I could stop existing, as I’ve come to believe my absence might satisfy others. Why do you think I rarely show myself in public? Now you’ve had some time to digest: If you ceased to exist, who would benefit from it? I am not talking about death, but I’m saying I wish to disappear from this current state. I imagine Life might improve once I’ve left.
- - - - -
Not to Worry - This is not my Final Post.
Related Content:
http://atcampiris.blogspot.com/2019/05/disengagement-party.html - "Disengagement Party"
http://atcampiris.blogspot.com/2019/04/poetry-sharing-vision-equally.html - Poetry - (SAVE)
http://atcampiris.blogspot.com/2019/04/wishing-well.html - "Wishing Well"
http://atcampiris.blogspot.com/2019/04/royal-family.html - "Royal Family"
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