As Cold Air Rings

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The other week, my Mind's Eye showed me an old place that I haven't visited in about a year. I have no reason to be out there anymore, but I could recall the scene vividly. The memory takes place somewhere outside: the night's sky is a spotless, navy blue. Fading lamps hum warmly in the distance, but never shine light on the path I'm walking toward. From concrete slabs to track ballast, I've come across an open railroad. It's late in the evening and I see no one there except myself. I know exactly where I am, yet I feel lost.

I've crossed this railroad multiple times without thinking about it's significance until now; I grew curious and dived deeper into the memory. I went digging through archives and found my last known visit. I saw an extremely somber version of myself; I recognized that person, but could only describe her as an empty shell. If trains symbolize travel and movement, tracks allude to the adventure past the horizon. When I saw myself sitting across the railroad, I realized I blocked myself from ever letting those trains move forward. 

One year ago, I felt uncomfortable in so many aspects of my life that I constantly questioned my existence. Happiness seemed like an illusion as I struggled to establish and maintain healthy relationships with anyone around me. My mind wandered into darkness and it got to the point where I did not want to exist in reality. I would look for small, quiet places and pray that I'd disappear, just like I chanted to myself in elementary school. I never acted on harmful thoughts, but pain had become clear in my expression. 

When I see past versions of myself - whether it's an actual image, or my Mind's Eye presenting it - My first instinct is to embrace her, because I know exactly how she feels. I've gotten skilled at hiding my emotions in plain sight as a result of being violently repressed by others in the past. As painful as it is to admit that, I've started addressing myself in healthier ways: trusting that my expressions are real and valid as anyone else's experience. I still view myself as highly reserved, but I silence myself less.

Though it had been challenging to cross those tracks, I've come to another side of them and continue moving forward. I've learned to admire and encourage my current reflection more often; knowing how much has changed and all of the things that continue improving. I'm satisfied with all that I've learned and want to exercise myself more freely without fear. Even with the strange ways that the world is turning, there are so many reasons to keep living. We might not see it yet, but beautiful things are bound to happen.

My mind had me revisit these train tracks so I could lift the past version of myself from this road block. Thank You for the Vision.

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As Cold Air Rings, or : Railroad Crossing. 

Related Content: 

http://atcampiris.blogspot.com/2020/01/deception-of-trap.html - Deception of the Trap (Tower & Dragon) 

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